Here we are, almost 2 weeks after my interview…the one I didn’t think I’d get…and well, I got the job. And I’m done at the grocery store. Wow. I never thought the end would come; I thought they had me wrung in there for life with all the unfulfilled promises, etc. I’ll never know what it means to travel up and down California from LA to Hollywood through Orange County to train and spearhead a whole new product line… and I couldn’t care less.
It’s a beautiful thing to finally let go of career and know I want this little family more. My achievements may someday matter again, but probably not until my little ones are grown up enough to be more independent. Such an odd thought. I never thought I’d be a mother let alone be able to let go of ambition. That’s just it, though, even though I let go of a promise of a hotshot job and instead picked the steady, predictable life at a desk, I know I’ll have plenty of areas to shine- in my new career and in my art on my website. I’ve still yet to get even the tip of the iceberg up online. The world hasn’t seen my portfolio and hasn’t even seen what I can do when I apply myself. I’m afraid of it because a lot of my art is barely refined- the criticism could come crashing in…and when it comes to my art, I am completely vulnerable to it. But, I have the confidence from several instructors over the years chiming in my head that my art is beautiful and powerful and dripping with talent. I’m terrified. It will indeed be a life-long project getting it out there, but I also know that’s what’s held me back on finishing any tattoo design I’ve been asked to do. That lingering question- what if they don’t really like it?
It’s odd feeling that way about one subject when I’m confident in all other areas. I’ve been successful at everything I’ve put my mind to- except singing and horseback riding, lol. Oh, and swimming. I’m really not good at any of those, but at least I know how to blend in a choir and enjoy singing so much that it really doesn’t matter how off key I am when I’m happy…besides there’s hardly ever anyone around when that happens.
I don’t know, I’m just finding this whole process of needing to rearrange my whole life due to my new, unique health needs and this new baby extremely freeing. If I didn’t get sick, I would still be working at Paymode in snowy Maine. I can’t imagine still being a prisoner to SAD now that I’ve tasted what it’s like to be free. I can’t imagine anything else talking me into the necessity to live 2000 miles away from my friends and family except if we were missionaries. And I don’t at all feel ready to serve people the way missionaries do although I know it is a dream Jake and I shared at the beginning of our marriage.
For me, that’s a really tricky area still. I grew up thinking I was going to be a missionary, so I always assumed I’d live really far away from anyone and with that in mind I hardly built relationships with anyone. I wish I had, but it was nice waking up to that deficit after college and being able to rebuild. The friends I made after college are still around. My love for God isn’t the same, though.
It’s tricky. I’ve waned in and out of love with God for so long, but this is the longest spell I’ve gone through where I just feel nothing when it comes to Christianity. Well, not really nothing, just complex emotions of all the things that Christians do wrong. That’s never hung me up before because I used to believe that was all just up to the individual to be right before God- between them and God, you know? But now, I find it a much bigger offense. Why would someone, who still loves God and claims to love people, shake a sign of a chopped up, bloody baby in front of any woman entering a building where an abortion clinic is a tenant? Christians like that called me plenty of names and did such things not knowing I worked at a different company in that same building and had nothing to do with the clinic’s offenses towards their beliefs. At 16 I remember a friend of mine and I talking about protesting outside a clinic…I’m so glad we never did.
I was going through blighted ovum at 9 weeks gestation with my third pregnancy when that happened. Assholes.
So it’s safe to say that I’m trying to understand God and accept Him back as a daily part of my life again, but I can’t stop being angry with Him. I try not to let my anger with Him seep into my interactions with other people, especially my husband. And it’s getting better with time. By the time I miscarried our 4th baby I was already kinda numb. No living children yet at 31, been trying since 27. I somehow suspected I’d have fertility problems given half of the women’s medical history in my family, but it’s a totally other thing altogether while going through it. Each loss impacts you differently, you know? Especially since the last one was my fault. I opted to have a radiology procedure during that 2-week window where it was too early to test for pregnancy. I shouldn’t have. I should have waited.
The others, we’ll simply never know since all tests came back normal.
But now, I’m 10 weeks pregnant today. The baby’s heartbeat is strong. We never got to hear our other babies’ heartbeats. We already crossed an incredible threshold we’ve never been through together 3 weeks ago- our baby is alive and growing!
Joy, anticipation, nerves… I have all of it, all the time. And while my complicated body fights through the need for double antibiotics and modified bed rest for the subchorionic hematoma, fibromyalgia and scoliosis pain.. pregnancy is difficult for me. However, this kid is already beating the odds and growing stronger. I think s/he gets it from their father, who still hardly misses Cross Fit classes and has been doing dishes, killing bugs in our apartment, taking care of the trash and cat box and bathroom, doing the grocery shopping… everything, even the laundry.
And he brought home Oreos and orange juice for me today and showered with me to make sure I wouldn’t slip and fall. There are flowers from a few days ago drying in the vase. I can’t believe the love of this man! I thank God for him every day. This man may be the key to softening my heart against all the anger I have about our infertility. I’m sure someday I’ll see or even say it was worth the journey, maybe in a cliche moment when I’m holding our new son or daughter, but it’s a challenge to see that right now. But I do thank God for my husband and that He would bless me with such an unselfish, loving man. I hope our baby continues to grow stronger, but for now, I’m going to relish the joy, anticipation, nerves..all while trying to keep from keeling over or losing those Oreos.