Every day the alarm goes off on my phone reminding me to stop and say a quick prayer. It seems oddly pious and regimented, but I have come to enjoy things like that lately. Call it my rebellious tendencies fading as has been the trend lately while I do a lot of internal work to cure my authentic self. We have been going to this small mountain-side church here in Colorado where the women wear cowgirl or hiking boots with jeans and some far too much makeup for my taste, yet it still looks cute on them. Floral prints and a few rugged purses blended in with the occasional name brand leather accessory. Hair is often down and styled and a few have bold colors but most have gone with natural. I find it cozy and inviting and although I do sometimes miss getting dressed up to go to church, it sure is much more comfortable in the winter to just wear what I wear every day.
It’s been taking me quite a while to process the fact that I cannot be a missionary. Politically, I justified smashing down the desire with as much information as I could manage with a busy schedule about how proselytism is harmful to some cultures, especially through the lens of colonialism. Economically, it would also make much more sense to sponsor an organization or people already in the country of outreach than to purchase a plane ticket to go in person to paint an orphanage, for example. Wouldn’t $15/hour to a local painter be much more efficient? Yet, it’s still something I very much care about because of the peace that I have always had deep, deep down regardless of the anxiety pumping through my thoughts. I’ve tried turning that part of my heart off but the anxious thoughts simply get far, far worse.
There’s a point where I have to admit it no longer makes sense to turn this desire in my heart for everyone to have that deep down hope and peace that I have. It’s so contrary to everything I’ve learned about missions. I hate listening to preachy people. I hate witnessing hypocrisy. I hate seeing some use the Bible to justify their actions where kindness and love and acceptance were obviously Jesus’ primary message.
I was shook when a missionary family came to our church. He talked about Ecuador and how his wife had developed many mold allergies and could no longer live in the jungle where much of their ministry was located. They moved out of the jungle and he still continues work by commuting into the deep jungle at times. They made it work. Huh. Then a few weeks later, one of our pastors talked about Luke 10:2 where the harvest is plentiful yet the workers are few. He challenged us to listen to God’s calling. If I don’t believe in one golden calling on someone’s life, then where does that leave me? It leaves me needing to reconcile that common and repetitive narrative in Christianity, and it’s indisputable with plenty of scripture to back it up. He handed out “assignments” for us to collect and pray about. There was “move to Spain and help ___ (missionary)” and a few others that didn’t stand out on my slip of paper. I think it was maybe send out cards or help clean the church? They have a dedicated cleaner who doesn’t currently need help so that couldn’t have been it… well, he asked for us to set our alarms for 10:02am. When the alarm goes off, we are to pause and pray about our role in being a laborer for the harvest. The harvest represents souls ready to hear about the hope and peace of Jesus Christ.
The other day when I was driving, I heard my alarm go off. I prayed, seeking my own heart for an answer, then switched my holiday Hallmark music on Sirius to “The Message” radio. As song after song played, I could hear my heart being reflected back at me. It started with “Perfectly Loved” by Rachael Lampa and Toby Mac. Then “Grace Got You” by MercyMe. Then “God is in This Story” by Katy Nichole/Big Daddy Weave followed by “Praise You in the Storm” by Casting Crowns and “Things That I’m Afraid Of” by Josh Wilson. Dang. Talk about a heavy dose of everything I believe to be true.
So, I can’t explain it, but it shook me to the core to feel that my purpose is to simply be present, as mom and wife, in this moment here in Colorado, to heal my soul so I can get back to working on the lifestyle we desire for ourselves, my husband and I. I can’t work unless my body feels better and this body/mind connection is undeniable at this point in my journey. My fears and anxiety all linked to past trauma, even if it’s “small” like bullying or gaslighting or perfectionism. Even if not classified as trauma, every circumstance that ails me seems to be intrinsically tied to my heart and body somehow. As each topic is discussed in therapy, I’m beginning to feel lighter and capable of far more. I’ve been able to simply be present with my daughter instead of stressed and distracted by a long, long list of things that need to get done. Now that I’ve allowed myself grace to fall behind in housework so we can instead relax and play with her stuffed animals, I’ve found myself deeply enjoying my daughter. And instead of simply providing cute dollhouses and clothes made by hand with all the furniture and accessories, although that’s been a favorite pastime of mine, I’m able to play with them a little more each time. Although it’s exhausting to always put on a fake personality sometimes accompanied by a different voice, it cheers up her slow mornings where it’s hard to go to school much earlier than she’s used to leaving the house. What a relief to simply be myself and to discard all the invisible expectations I previously had bit by bit. And, if music and a ring of a rainbow around the sun while driving and listening to each song is how God was answering my prayer of “now what?” then I’m exactly where He wants me to be right now. I was hoping for bigger or grander, but for what purpose? To impress my parents and make them proud? Or to genuinely want to see someone else know, even if they also feel depression and anxiety, that God holds them in the palm of their hand? Since I cannot clearly answer one way or the other, I would think it’s both. And who would want to be in such an occupation for reasons other than pure? That’s how people get hurt. That’s where the church injures others with their message. I know we’re all imperfect here, but looking before leaping as a laborer to the harvest is something I would and am taking very seriously.
So, I suppose the biggest calling on my life right now is indeed simply mom and wife. And sometimes I’ll bake or sew or create dollhouses and accessories. It’s awesome having hobbies and also awesome to get paid for a few. I definitely get a lot of benefit and satisfaction out of creating something yummy and/or beautiful. I still very much identify as an artist through and through no matter the medium. And it’s ok and necessary to work on myself anyways. If anyone questions that then why are they even asking anyways? For now, this is enough. I am enough. I am healing. And I am enough as I am as I heal. I am enough. I am open to the future and wherever it leads, but for now the present is enough.