10:02

Every day the alarm goes off on my phone reminding me to stop and say a quick prayer. It seems oddly pious and regimented, but I have come to enjoy things like that lately. Call it my rebellious tendencies fading as has been the trend lately while I do a lot of internal work to cure my authentic self. We have been going to this small mountain-side church here in Colorado where the women wear cowgirl or hiking boots with jeans and some far too much makeup for my taste, yet it still looks cute on them. Floral prints and a few rugged purses blended in with the occasional name brand leather accessory. Hair is often down and styled and a few have bold colors but most have gone with natural. I find it cozy and inviting and although I do sometimes miss getting dressed up to go to church, it sure is much more comfortable in the winter to just wear what I wear every day.

It’s been taking me quite a while to process the fact that I cannot be a missionary. Politically, I justified smashing down the desire with as much information as I could manage with a busy schedule about how proselytism is harmful to some cultures, especially through the lens of colonialism. Economically, it would also make much more sense to sponsor an organization or people already in the country of outreach than to purchase a plane ticket to go in person to paint an orphanage, for example. Wouldn’t $15/hour to a local painter be much more efficient? Yet, it’s still something I very much care about because of the peace that I have always had deep, deep down regardless of the anxiety pumping through my thoughts. I’ve tried turning that part of my heart off but the anxious thoughts simply get far, far worse.

There’s a point where I have to admit it no longer makes sense to turn this desire in my heart for everyone to have that deep down hope and peace that I have. It’s so contrary to everything I’ve learned about missions. I hate listening to preachy people. I hate witnessing hypocrisy. I hate seeing some use the Bible to justify their actions where kindness and love and acceptance were obviously Jesus’ primary message.

I was shook when a missionary family came to our church. He talked about Ecuador and how his wife had developed many mold allergies and could no longer live in the jungle where much of their ministry was located. They moved out of the jungle and he still continues work by commuting into the deep jungle at times. They made it work. Huh. Then a few weeks later, one of our pastors talked about Luke 10:2 where the harvest is plentiful yet the workers are few. He challenged us to listen to God’s calling. If I don’t believe in one golden calling on someone’s life, then where does that leave me? It leaves me needing to reconcile that common and repetitive narrative in Christianity, and it’s indisputable with plenty of scripture to back it up. He handed out “assignments” for us to collect and pray about. There was “move to Spain and help ___ (missionary)” and a few others that didn’t stand out on my slip of paper. I think it was maybe send out cards or help clean the church? They have a dedicated cleaner who doesn’t currently need help so that couldn’t have been it… well, he asked for us to set our alarms for 10:02am. When the alarm goes off, we are to pause and pray about our role in being a laborer for the harvest. The harvest represents souls ready to hear about the hope and peace of Jesus Christ.

The other day when I was driving, I heard my alarm go off. I prayed, seeking my own heart for an answer, then switched my holiday Hallmark music on Sirius to “The Message” radio. As song after song played, I could hear my heart being reflected back at me. It started with “Perfectly Loved” by Rachael Lampa and Toby Mac. Then “Grace Got You” by MercyMe. Then “God is in This Story” by Katy Nichole/Big Daddy Weave followed by “Praise You in the Storm” by Casting Crowns and “Things That I’m Afraid Of” by Josh Wilson. Dang. Talk about a heavy dose of everything I believe to be true.

So, I can’t explain it, but it shook me to the core to feel that my purpose is to simply be present, as mom and wife, in this moment here in Colorado, to heal my soul so I can get back to working on the lifestyle we desire for ourselves, my husband and I. I can’t work unless my body feels better and this body/mind connection is undeniable at this point in my journey. My fears and anxiety all linked to past trauma, even if it’s “small” like bullying or gaslighting or perfectionism. Even if not classified as trauma, every circumstance that ails me seems to be intrinsically tied to my heart and body somehow. As each topic is discussed in therapy, I’m beginning to feel lighter and capable of far more. I’ve been able to simply be present with my daughter instead of stressed and distracted by a long, long list of things that need to get done. Now that I’ve allowed myself grace to fall behind in housework so we can instead relax and play with her stuffed animals, I’ve found myself deeply enjoying my daughter. And instead of simply providing cute dollhouses and clothes made by hand with all the furniture and accessories, although that’s been a favorite pastime of mine, I’m able to play with them a little more each time. Although it’s exhausting to always put on a fake personality sometimes accompanied by a different voice, it cheers up her slow mornings where it’s hard to go to school much earlier than she’s used to leaving the house. What a relief to simply be myself and to discard all the invisible expectations I previously had bit by bit. And, if music and a ring of a rainbow around the sun while driving and listening to each song is how God was answering my prayer of “now what?” then I’m exactly where He wants me to be right now. I was hoping for bigger or grander, but for what purpose? To impress my parents and make them proud? Or to genuinely want to see someone else know, even if they also feel depression and anxiety, that God holds them in the palm of their hand? Since I cannot clearly answer one way or the other, I would think it’s both. And who would want to be in such an occupation for reasons other than pure? That’s how people get hurt. That’s where the church injures others with their message. I know we’re all imperfect here, but looking before leaping as a laborer to the harvest is something I would and am taking very seriously.

So, I suppose the biggest calling on my life right now is indeed simply mom and wife. And sometimes I’ll bake or sew or create dollhouses and accessories. It’s awesome having hobbies and also awesome to get paid for a few. I definitely get a lot of benefit and satisfaction out of creating something yummy and/or beautiful. I still very much identify as an artist through and through no matter the medium. And it’s ok and necessary to work on myself anyways. If anyone questions that then why are they even asking anyways? For now, this is enough. I am enough. I am healing. And I am enough as I am as I heal. I am enough. I am open to the future and wherever it leads, but for now the present is enough.

No Whey

What a crazy turn of events in the last few months! I just secured my first “real” job in the entertainment and hospitality space. I was unaware that my business was being watched by so many and a fellow business owner contacted me yesterday. We discussed doing a dessert table for a Christmas party coming up and I submitted a bid/proposal with some of the things she wanted with my own decorations and suggestion of a hot cocoa bar added in. Not more than 20 minutes ago, it was accepted and they’ll be paying me in full this upcoming Tuesday! Had I not posted on social media that I was opening up my baking calendar to help cover car repairs, that call would have never happened. Apparently, this business has been waiting for the right timing to use me. How cool is that? It also happens that this person is the same seat I just accepted at the local chamber of commerce on the board of directors. I always knew I wanted to be an entrepreneur but I always had no idea what it would look like. I also happen to be lazy when it comes to advertising and that has worked in my favor since I consider my priority to always be my family first anyways.

It wasn’t until maybe September that I did all the math on what I was spending to make and create recipes in my business from start to finish. I included overhead like labels, business cards, brochures, boxes and bags… insurance, mileage… on and on it goes. Everything that’s done in the kitchen isn’t the whole story, that’s for sure! This is quite literally the fifth business I’ve started, so I suppose all this surprises me because I have started things in the past only to decide it either wasn’t for me or I didn’t have the gumption to make it as successful as I would have liked. It’s common for me to have a million ideas, not enough focus to write full sentences describing the idea in a notebook, and piles of incomplete projects. I used to chastise myself for working that way because I was always taught that it was important to finish what you start. I mean, it is important to finish what you start, but what if what you’re working on is no longer relevant to your goals, pleasure, or purpose? I’m beginning to find more than just Netflix to enjoy, especially since October we have had to say goodbye to dairy/milk products and gluten due to our daughter having gut troubles for several weeks. It really hit her hard when we were eating out more during vacation together. I have lost a total of 15 pounds since returning home. Some of it is because no longer eating two major ingredients in many things meant not eating anything I baked for some time. That really helped the weight to fall off! Now that I am baking more all over again, I sampled a few newer recipes only to accidentally cause some major disruption to my system for three days. I had abdominal pain, indigestion, constipation, and my joints ached quite badly and felt swollen and inflamed. I looked up the symptoms of gluten sensitivity and guess what’s on that list? Everything I had with some things I thankfully didn’t have. It’ll be an adventure being a gluten-sensitive baker, but I have managed to figure out a few tricks so far. I don’t plan on going too far with using gluten free flours, mostly because of the cost, but I am greatly benefiting from eating less baked goods anyways! I have been curious if any of these changes have impacted my cholesterol levels at all. I’ve nearly always had higher numbers thanks to my genetics. Deciding to no longer use butter or butter substitutes was a bit of a drastic move, so I’ve taken to using it sparingly instead.

I’ve gone back and forth this season already with needing time off to recoup my usually low and depleted energy stores. Every year it seems to be the same thing: multiple bouts of a cold or flu and lots of fatigue and body aches. However, this year is thankfully only hallmarked by the fatigue. It would appear it has to largely do to the fact that I really don’t like the cold. The cold makes my body hurt quite badly, so I stay up late because whatever spot on the couch I’ve warmed up or standing in front of a running stove is far more comfortable than doing anything else. I’d rather seize the opportunity to be warmed up and comfortable than cold and in pain. I know it won’t always be this way. Someday, we’ll be able to move back to warm sunshine year round, and for now this is workable and I don’t mind having success in finding community around me in personal and professional relationships. I believe the word I’m searching for is contentment. I love being connected with many people of various backgrounds and I’m starting to believe that this little valley is exactly the type of diversity I was hoping for. I could definitely see areas I wish it were much more diverse in skin tone but as far as religious and political standings go, this little piece of the Wild West has it all. More than anything, I came here to recoup and heal. And after such a long, hard battle that stretched out over nearly a decade, I was starting to really lose heart. I was told remission wasn’t possible. Then I was told all the ways fibromyalgia was incurable and treatment was limited. But then I connected with a talented therapist who asks the questions, some so obvious I will often reflect, “How had we missed that?” Working through my trauma has been a beautiful thing. And all those areas of my heart that I thought didn’t really matter- well it turns out that they do matter. In my family, my thoughts and desires and authentic self were dismissed. I was told who I needed to be and what I needed to be doing. I was supposed to be the perfect little housewife that for a very long time I totally rejected all the things I happen to really enjoy right now. Cooking, baking, homemaking, decorating, entertaining, sewing, dollhouse crafting, ANY crafting…

This is authentically me. I get hot under the collar when it comes to my kid. I’m fiercely loyal to my husband. I’m an empath and creator and free spirit. Schedules and agendas stifle my creative energy yet they’re just simply tools to keep all the moving pieces going. I love my country because I have tasted what it means to be a female business owner and I’m never going back. I won’t wear a skirt unless I choose to. I won’t be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen unless I choose to. I get to speak up in a board meeting of mostly men, dye my sometimes unruly curly hair purple, and park a car I co-own with my husband crooked because at least I’m still in the lines. I have an education and I have my license to drive and I get to vote! I’m a deep thinker and a goof-off. I’m the type who forgets to move the laundry or make the bed. I’m not shy in flirting with my husband and I don’t have a favorite color or food. I often feel like I have no real, true friends only to be blasted with many messages hours later bubbling with how much I matter to my friends. If I can be helping someone over scrolling on social media, I’ll jump into action. During emergencies, I naturally know how to lead and often jump into action there, too. If there is a to-do video out there over something I’m interested in, I can figure out how to do it often within hours and master it in weeks. I’m good with my hands and great with people and often bring the best out of many people who are known to be the quiet one or the black sheep because I want to know who they are, not who they think they are. I’m hot-headed, passionate, and impatient. One moment I’m tequila, the next chamomile tea. I’ve been called bi-polar by those who don’t understand me or value any of my ideals. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s easy to know what kind of mood I’m in once I walk into a room. I can be bubbly and the life of the party then at the next event reserved and contemplative. I’m me. I’m allowed and expected to only be me, not some version of me that my parents, pastor, or teacher thought I should be. Not some stranger anyone thinks I am. I’m also never going to be Martha Stewart nor do I want to be. I just want to be me, unique as a chipped tea cup.

I got my first big job today as just me. Charging full price as just me. No more practice prices and discounted services and much less free product, and just in time when inflation was making all that impossible to maintain anyways. I still have a few thank you baskets to complete and one make up basket that I don’t really have to do for a restaurant party I missed last year due to covid. This time it doesn’t feel like an obligation to do it all. It feels like a celebration to be able to do it at all. Today is the beginning of more of that. The more my confidence grows and I let go of believing I cannot do anything right, the more I can really start giving back to the community I’m a part of. I love that. I’m here for the good stuff in life and I can’t wait to see what the next few months will bring because right now I’m definitely on to something completely new: living authentically and accepting that I have something unique and beautiful to add to this world. I’m finally beginning to believe that God really did have a purpose in mind when He created me. I’m not sure if “paths” were really His point all along as much as it is the “journey.” I’m going to let that sink in…