Savoring Silence

It’s rare that I’m up, showered, and unwinding before my day unwinds. My daughter is still in her bed only stirring a little bit. She’s been adjusting quite well to our new home here in the Springs. I’m in my favorite place to unwind with my writing- the kitchen table- sipping a cup of cold coffee and so very thankful my husband brewed enough for two before he left hardly before it was even morning yet. His transfer here to Colorado, although giving us substantial financial relief from San Diego’s East County, has had him sacrificing greatly. He has an hour and ten minute commute to Denver every morning and if the traffic builds up it may take him up to two and a half hours. He’s always been an early-riser, but in his attempt to figure out the best times to leave the apartment in order to beat traffic, and also shift around his hours to accommodate one of my doctor’s appointments, he has gotten very little sleep this week. I’m praying his applications to the local office here in the Springs grabs the attention of the right people and he’ll only have to travel 20-30 minutes.

We sure do miss him during the day, though. Our daughter will ask from time to time for him during the course of the day. I love their bound and it is quite different to not have him sitting in the living room on his computer for 8 hours of the day. I miss the comfort of having his strong arms wrap around me any time things got tough. It is proving to be a healthy transition for me, however. I’m realizing my assumed limitations from before can be stretched quite further and that my resiliency is stronger than it was. Although the fatigue has been intense several days in a row since our drive here, I’ve been able to unpack, clean, prepare meals, play with my daughter, handle all the diapers (when will she be interested in the potty anyways?), and even fit in groceries one evening. That’s far more than I’ve done in the past when I had his help. I also don’t have my closest friend sitting near me to share all my aches and pains with- which I think really is the healthiest part of this transition. I hadn’t realized just how bad my sharing had been until our little one started creating boo-boo’s of her own and near-constantly asked for love and kisses because of them. What a relief to be away from that although not much has changed for me physically. It is incredibly empowering to realize I can do far more and discuss my discomfort far less. My attitude has sky-rocketed and my heart is living in far more gratitude than before. I’m humbled by the road we’ve been on as a family and even more so as I see my husband come home from work only to give his last reserves to his daughter so I can rest.

The views here are nearly panoramic and are even more breathtaking when we drive around town. We have a spectacular view from our kitchen window of Pike’s Peak and it’s currently covered in snow as well as the mountains to the left of it. Before long, I’ll learn what each one is and I cannot wait to visit the Garden of the Gods and Focus on the Family and Seven Falls at the Broadmoor as well as the several other features of the Springs. It seems surreal that we are here. My husband had talked so long about how much of a leg up this area would give us; and it certainly is a perk that his favorite ministry, Ransomed Heart, is located northwest of us. There are buds on trees and it thankfully is another sunny day after three days of mostly clouds and scattered showers. We even got snow a few days ago that melted before mid-afternoon, which was a contrast to the 80-degree days only a few days after arriving. Weather here sure is bipolar! It is also surreal to actually experience all four seasons within a matter of hours in one day after hearing about it for so long.

I woke up a little past 5am due to some strange thunder-like noises next door, or was it outside? I was too warm and comfortable in my bed to get up and look, but I spent the morning while trying to dose back asleep just recalling everything in my life that brought me joy. It’s a new ritual I hope to continue to foster. It all started when my sibling, who’s going through some challenging times right now, asked me on my last visit in their apartment to share some happy memories of our childhood together. It helped bring elusive sleep to them that had been hard to capture for days, perhaps even weeks, at a time. When I got home, I put together index cards of several happy memories we had together. It was through that practice that I realized that I tend to recall all the negative, yet I had quickly filled up the entire stack of cards and had several more flooding my memory. There was a moment of sadness in it, if only for a temporary pause, because I suddenly became aware of just how much happiness I had allowed myself to be robbed of. Since then, I have been on a personal and, until now, private mission to rewrite my memory and resurrect the good in each and every life experience I’ve had so far. This is indeed the essence of what cognitive behavioral therapy has attempted to teach me through reading “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by Dr. David Burns and now rare check in’s with my therapist. Ever since my daughter was born, I’ve been on a mission to break the generational curse of anxiety and depression. It has been my hope that she will never experience the fear and darkness I’ve had to face starting in my teens. I hope that she will be the first generation who never has a period, extended or brief, of such struggles, so I’ve been in some sort of therapy ever since I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Although I am no longer postpartum, it was that experience that opened my eyes to just how dire depression can get and how essential it would be to transform myself and the life of my daughter.

So, here I am, after a slow start to the morning, as rare as they are, yet so very thankful to even be here to write. My daughter woke up before the end of the first paragraph and she is happily sucking her thumb, wandering about between kitchen and living room, dragging her blanket while watching cartoons. Such has been our tradition in the mornings accompanied with coffee and snuggles. Sometimes I will yield to her requests for more and the cartoons will stay on until lunch. It gives us both some much-needed down time before the active play begins. I recall feeling pressure, especially after completing my teaching certificate, to engage her in preschool-like activities during every waking hour of the day from learning play to sensory bins to nature walks. Now, I’m finally giving myself some grace as I realize that being here and being present is far more important than being a teacher about it. Although the latter is useful, the most critical of experiences for her is to know that mom will always be here for her no matter what. I know that was critical for me growing up as my mom didn’t begin working again until we were all school-aged. It was comforting to know she was always there no matter if she was watching her soaps or preparing lunch for us or snuggling while watching cartoons. It all mattered.

So, as I sit here and recall the early morning hours before my shower (that she slept through!), I am now more aware than ever that training my mind to remember and value and recognize the positive will take intentional silence and effort. It is so very rewarding, though! I’m breathing better (is it less stress because of this self-training or because I’m finally used to the elevation?), and I’m experiencing more gratitude and happiness in each day. Not only that, I’ve developed a greater appreciation for how my parents raised me, especially my mom, and often cannot wait to call her again just to report some of the cute things my own daughter has done throughout the day. Although this season has me missing much of my previous homes, instead I am recalling each moment, each view and scenic road, each friendly face… it all fills my heart and I finally no longer feel trapped by the progression of disease in my body and instead feel free to LIVE. Positive thinking isn’t gospel but it will transform your life in a way that amplifies the truth and enriches your entire experience.